Today’s Sixer


No, no, you dirty birds!  Get your minds out of the gutter!

I still have yet to go anywhere near that.

And puh-lease…

I think my friend A said it best when she once told me a story where she ended up saying, “No, I am sorry, I just can’t!”

I am actually referring to my six mile run today at the park.  It was a beautiful day, a nice cool breeze.  It wasn’t muggy and breathing was easy.

I started at the 0 mile mark, did a little light stretching, adjusted my headphones, excited about the first song to play, hit start on the Garmin and began.  I was ahead of pace the whole way round the lake, even after having to stop a couple of times to adjust my headphones.

Seriously, does anyone have a suggestion for a good pair of headphones that stick in your ears?  I have very small ear openings.  The pillow cushioning ones slip out because I sweat so much.  The around the ear ones don’t stay in, even when I tuck them under the arms of my sunglasses.  I have tried so many pairs… nothing works.

Though a great run, I must say, I need some new music.  I have searched iTunes for some new summer music and it all just seems lame. Even on the radio I hear them playing last summer’s songs.  Is there no good new music for this summer?  I have scoured my extensive library for all my old favorites, but now I am growing tired of them and need some new motivational music. Suggestions for tunes to add?

Right around 4.75, I got a cramp in my side, just below my right ribs.  Normally I would push through, but I am trying to be easy on myself.  So I slowed down to a walk, stretched it out, and started running again.

It came back.  This time a little harder.

I slowed again, stretched a bit more, and walked it out.

As I started running again, it came back fierce, lower this time, in that spot where it did…


Around this time, maybe a week or two later.

And I thought it was just cramping from running, not enough hydration.

That’s all it can be today. 

But it’s not what it was last year, even though I thought it was.

Last year, now that I think back, it was the start of losing Jack. It got worse each day I ran.  I just drank more water, ate better.

Then the bleeding started.  I thought it was normal. But the bleeding was heavy, oh so heavy!  It lasted for much too long.

The cramping would occur even when I wasn’t running. I was in so much pain I thought maybe I had cysts.  I went to the emergency room and learned differently.  Learned that it was something far worse than cysts or cramping.

I learned I lost Jack.

I learned there had been a Jack.

I learned it was all my fault.

I walked the last 1/4 mile back to the 0 mile mark and reflected on that.  What I could have done differently.  What I could have done if I had known.

Summer Run

I walked to the water, sat down and looked across the lake.

I sighed.

I sigh now.

So, any suggestions for new headphones?  Suggestions for new summer music to add to my playlist? 



6 thoughts on “Today’s Sixer

  1. Oh my, I am sorry this happened today and that it brought back such painful memories. I hope you are having a better evening now. My workout music is a little Bon Jovi, a little Lady Gaga, a little Rocky soundtrack. Tags my big secret. I envision climbing up those stairs in Philly and jumping up and down at the top. Ad then I hit repeat a few times.

  2. 365zen

    I don’t know exactly what happened last year, but at least from a medical perspective, I don’t think you should place blame on yourself. Even if you pushed yourself hard physically, you could not have prevented that from happening. It just wasn’t meant to be, and I know that’s hard to hear but if you keep blaming yourself (and you shouldn’t), it will be impossible for you to move on. I know, I have to tell myself that all the time too. I think so many things in my life could be different had I done this or that differently, but in the end, I can’t change the past or what happened in the past. The only thing I can do is move forward, learn from the past, and try my best to be the best person I can possibly be. I don’t know if this helps, but I hope that it does.

    Also, I got JBuds last year and I love them. My ear canals are also small, so I changed out the buds to smaller ones, and they never fall out. The ones I got aren’t available but I think there are others just as good.

    • Thank you so much for the suggestion on the ear buds! I will check them out!

      I know I have to stop blaming myself, but it’s hard to right now. The memories, the anniversary date just around the corner…

      But, it doesn’t mean I don’t want kind people like you to keep telling me that! If I hear it enough, maybe it will sink in… 🙂

      • 365zen

        trust me, I know. I started seeing a therapist off/on last year, and consistently since February of this year (at least once/week sometimes every other wk if scheduling problems). Intuitively I know all the right things. But sometimes it helps to have a 3rd party, objective person to just talk to. I know it helps b/c on the weeks that we go every other week, on the week that I can’t see him, I know that I really need to talk to him. I hope I don’t have to see a therapist forever, but at least to get me through this time and help me get on the right path. I think it’s definitely something you should consider if you havent already 🙂

cheer me along!

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