august’s 30 day blog challenge: day 21 – something you just can’t seem to get over

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30 day blog challenge

Well, this did not take much thought at all.  If you follow my other blog: http://jackjosephsmom.com, you will know I can’t get over my miscarriage; my fear of my inability to carry a baby to term; how I was treated by Jack’s father, friends, family; how people think I should just get over it; and how pregnancy and babies are constantly thrown in my face.

Here’s the quick and dirty of why:

  1. Jack’s Miscarriage: I feel guilty that I did not know I was pregnant, how I blame myself for pushing myself too hard during that time, my worry about the fact I had no symptoms, how this isn’t my first miscarriage…
  2. Fear of Inability to Carry a Baby to Term: Often referred to as “infertility”, but the truth is I can get pregnant.  I just can’t seem to get past the first trimester.  I am getting old, so are my eggs.  I want a baby.  I don’t have a partner.  What do I do now?
  3. Jack’s Father: Some people just like to kick you when you are down, some people are mean, and some people treat you in ways that are unimaginable. I just don’t get how people can be so cruel.
  4. Get Over It: If you walked a minute in my shoes, you wouldn’t be able to get over it either.
  5. Pregnancy Reminders – they happen to me at the most unbelievable times by random people at moments I am unprepared for them.
  • My 38 year old cousin sent me her ultrasound picture.
  • My father told me my old hairdresser who never wanted kids and didn’t know if she would keep this one is pregnant.
  • The lady at Home Depot that was complaining about never wanting to be pregnant in this weather to me while looking at a pregnant lady at the next register.
  • All my pregnant yoga instructors.
  • All the pregnant yogis.
  • It never ends, never ends…
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3 thoughts on “august’s 30 day blog challenge: day 21 – something you just can’t seem to get over

  1. guinness44

    Re 1) and 2) My wife had a miscarriage in week 12. I thought until then that this is something “special” and that we were unlucky. She needed a curettage and the woman next to her also had a miscarriage. It was already her 4th or 5th miscarriage. We initially only spoke with few people about it. However, realised very quickly that this happens relatively often. I do not have hard data on it, however, my feeling would be that at least 50% of the mothers I know had miscarriages. And this does not include the miscarriages you do not even realise. I am sure that you all that already. Nevertheless the knowledge that we were not “unlucky” helped us over this time and about seven months later my wife was pregnant again and this time everything went fine. The other woman my wife met in hospital also had a successful birth later on and the child is now almost 7 years old.

    Re 2) you are not old. A good friend of mine just gave birth to her first child. She is 41 and does not have a partner (the father of the child is not acting responsible). Another friend gave birth for the first time when she was 44. Both were in the preparation classes not the oldest. So you have plenty of time left. Maybe not as much as if you were 16, but still plenty of time.

    Re 2) As you know men sometimes need a bit longer to understand. I recently read an article about a woman of 40 and her dating experience. She said that she can see it already in the eyes of the men that the question will come: Do you want to have kids? The woman decided for herself, that she does not want to have kids, however there are thousands of men around 40 who finally realise that they want to have a family. So, stay tuned, you will find a partner who has the same goal as you do

    Re 3) As bad as it is what happened to you there will come the time that you are happy that you are not tied to Jack’s father via Jack. Who knows how this would have worked out if he is handling the current situation like you describe it. As you and others know having a child is not always easy, in particular for a relationship.

    Re 4) the day will come when you realise in the evening that you did not think about Jack the whole day. You will initially feel bad about it. The time periods will become longer and at some point you will focus on your new pregnancy and some point you will tell the baby stories about his older brother he or she will never meet. You will never be over Jack, but in your heary will be enough space for your partner and your kids

    Re 5) The reminders are amazing. When my wife was pregnant I saw pregnant women everywhere. It felt like the whole world was pregnant. This week I have not seen a single pregnant woman. It is all very subjective

    I wish you lots of luck. You cannot force it. Just try to enjoy life and listen to your body. In the end it will all turn well. If it is not well, it is not the end.

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to write everything that you did. This type of interaction and support from my friends here like you have made all the difference to me in helping to heal.

      I am so sorry for your loss.

      It does help knowing I am not alone.

      Hearing about the people you know that are older than me that have had children is very inspiring! Thanks so much for sharing that with me! It gives me hope.

      Yes, I realize men do process things differently, and I was okay with that, but my problem is how mean and cruel he was. The awful things he said. And yes, I am already 100% certain I am relieved not to have to be tied to him. In fact, I find a little comfort in knowing Jack didn’t survive because his father is an awful person that Jack wanted to protect me from. Silly, I know. The things we tell ourselves.

      It’s funny, after I wrote this post this morning, I went to the grocery store. I was in the soda/Gatorade aisle. Soda (I know – a terrible habit!) is on sale, so I loaded up on it and then focused on calculating cost vs. ounces on the sale prices of Gatorade… I looked down on the floor for some reason, and there, in the middle of the soda/Gatorade aisle, was a Fit Pregnancy magazine. I had likely even stepped just near it when loading my cart with the soda.

      The memories and reminders are crushing – and always at times you aren’t prepared for.

      Thanks so much for all the encouragement and advice! It really means the world to me!

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