august’s 30 day blog challenge: day 23 – something you always think “what if…” about


30 day blog challenge

What if I had stayed home and not gone out on April 20, 2012?

What if I hadn’t agreed to that date?

What if he hadn’t looked at me like Mike used to?

What if I wouldn’t have spent his last two nights in town with him?

What if I had agreed to spend time with him and his family that last night?

What if he had just used a condom?

What if I took birth control?

What if I hadn’t run so much?

What if I hadn’t done that yoga challenge?

What if communication had just faded away while he was gone?

What if I had told him right away when it happened?

What if I had told anybody right away?

What if he had called me the night he got back? Or the next day?

What if I hadn’t made that stupid joke?

What if he had known me better to know I was kidding?

What if I had accepted his invitation sooner?

What if I had agreed to meet him camping?

What if he had just realized I needed to talk to him? To see him?

What if I hadn’t retreated?

What if more people had been concerned about me?

What if he was a kinder, more sensitive person? More mature?

What if he had reached out more after I told him? What if he had checked in – even just once?

What if he wouldn’t have agreed to that fake Facebook engagement?

What if this hadn’t been my second miscarriage?

What if there had never been any harassment?

What if he apologized and made an effort?

What if he wanted to make it right?

Would life be better? Or worse?  Or are all those “what ifs?” a waste of thoughts – cluttering my mind?

Though I do wonder sometimes, I do believe everything happens for a reason – and what this has all taught me will make me a better person.



15 thoughts on “august’s 30 day blog challenge: day 23 – something you always think “what if…” about

  1. guinness44

    We have a saying which says “If the word ‘if’ would not exist, my father would be a millionaire”. You can spend hours, days, years thinking about what would have happened. It does not matter as it did not matter. But if you cannot stop thinking about it, you might want to think about some worst case scenarios.

    What if I had stayed home and not gone out on April 20, 2012? – You might have slipped in the bathroom and would need a wheelchair now

    What if I hadn’t run so much? – You might have eaten something wrong and might have caught salmonella, etc.

    You can come to a “better” reaction or a “worse” reaction for every single What if. It does not matter. What matters is, that you think about what you would do in the future. If you meet a new man, what will you do. If you get pregnant again, what will you do. It will come differently anyway, but it is much better use of your energy if you focus on the future.

    BTW, I fully believe in the fact, that everything has a reason. I once was about to get a really great job, but ended up not getting the job. I thougt of it as a big disaster (I know that not getting a job is not a disaster), It turned out that the company was bankrupt within a year and I was very lucky not to get the job.

    In the end it will all turn out well, and if it is not well, it is not the end 😉

      • guinness44

        I recall the picture from your picture list, but did not think that it was actually your foot. Great tattoo

      • Thank you! I get a lot of compliments on it. I actually got it last year after finding out about Jack. I was a little concerned about having a tattoo you can see (I have two others that are easily hidden), but I get a lot of compliments on it!

      • guinness44

        That is always the point about tattoos. As long as you do not wear sandals you should be able to hide it. Also, it something you can still “wear” when you are a grandma and your grandchildren ask about it.

      • guinness44

        For whatever reason I cannot reply to your answer. Well, if heels do not hide it, you can try boots or even better just show it. Get dressed tonight and go out. It is Saturday night and thousands of single men get the same advise. I just had a discussion with a good friend last week. She was complaining, that she does not meet any men. Well, she does not go out and rather stays at home. Makes it very difficult to meet someone. Therefore as much as I like to read your blog and your challenges: Go out into the real world, meet a great guy and take it from there. In case you get married, you will invite me to your wedding ;), in case you give birth to a son coming out of this relationship you will give him my name 😉 Just kidding. In case you only meet stupid men I guess I also have to take responsibility for this. However, I have a good feeling, that you meet at least interesting people. I hope you have a great night and lots of fun.

      • I totally would – but I have severe post traumatic stress disorder. And a huge fear of running into someone who saw the fake Facebook page.

        I am having a great night though! Off to bed now.

        Hope you have a fantastic evening!

      • guinness44

        Ok, I now read the details about the facebook account. Let me start with saying that it is very easy to give advise and much harder to act or not to act. I do not know how close your community is, however, how high is the likelyhood, that someone might recall you from the fake facebook site? If it was visible to the friends of the “father” then avoid the neighbourhood, where they hang out. Even if you run into someone who might have seen the page it requires a lot of memory to recall and to put things in the right perspective. Never forget, that this is a horrible story for you and as the victim you know every little detail about it. 99.99999% of the people do not know about it and of the 0.000000000001% again 99.9999999999% could not care less about what happened to you. This might be not fair, however, it works in your favour as these people move on and care about other things. Therefore, I cannot judge on the disorder and how it harms you from living a “normal” life. But there are definitely enough opportunities to have a good time. Also, you do not want the other woman to succeed by setting up a fake facebook account. Again, this is easily said and much harder to achieve, but start with little steps. Lastly, think of Jack and what you would do for him. Think of the power every mother has when someone is trying to harm their children. Use some of this power. Think of how Jack will first start to crawl and then to walk with little steps. Do the same. As many benefits the online world has to offer, it is the real world that matters. Let me close again with saying that it is easy to type a few words of advise and much harder for you to go out and act. Do small steps and you will see how it helps how you gain more and more energy. Difficult days will continue to come. They will always come when you do not need them, but every good day you had until then cannot be taken away from you. Have a great Sunday

      • That is absolutely true and wonderful advice.

        Just overall, I cannot handle crowds right now. Even when I try, like baseball games, I suffer through a night of terrible nightmares and then can’t sleep.

        I don’t suppose it will always be this way. At least I hope not. I used to be very social and would often be the planner of lots of fun events.

        Everything you said about avoiding the areas, I do.

        And over the last year, every time I took a step forward, I would get hit 5 steps back – so I really haven’t been trying anymore. I guess I am just not ready.

        I really like my alone time right now, too, so it’s not like I lay around moping all day, so that’s good.

        But I do believe everything you have said. I am just gun-shy right now.

        The actual point of the challenges is to start getting back to normal, so maybe I should include for next month going out one night. To a crowded bar or something. I’ll think about it!

        Enjoy your Sunday – and thank you for the conversation and thoughtfulness!

      • guinness44

        Ok, I guess I have to read more of your blog before I come up with more ideas. To include it in your September challenge sounds a good start

  2. Oh I agree. Ever see Sliding Doors? Her life turns out the “better way” and ends tragically and in her other life, she struggles for a bit but in the end it, not to sound cliche, but it all works itself out.

cheer me along!

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