What if I had stayed home and not gone out on April 20, 2012?
What if I hadn’t agreed to that date?
What if he hadn’t looked at me like Mike used to?
What if I wouldn’t have spent his last two nights in town with him?
What if I had agreed to spend time with him and his family that last night?
What if he had just used a condom?
What if I took birth control?
What if I hadn’t run so much?
What if I hadn’t done that yoga challenge?
What if communication had just faded away while he was gone?
What if I had told him right away when it happened?
What if I had told anybody right away?
What if he had called me the night he got back? Or the next day?
What if I hadn’t made that stupid joke?
What if he had known me better to know I was kidding?
What if I had accepted his invitation sooner?
What if I had agreed to meet him camping?
What if he had just realized I needed to talk to him? To see him?
What if I hadn’t retreated?
What if more people had been concerned about me?
What if he was a kinder, more sensitive person? More mature?
What if he had reached out more after I told him? What if he had checked in – even just once?
What if he wouldn’t have agreed to that fake Facebook engagement?
What if this hadn’t been my second miscarriage?
What if there had never been any harassment?
What if he apologized and made an effort?
What if he wanted to make it right?
Would life be better? Or worse? Or are all those “what ifs?” a waste of thoughts – cluttering my mind?
Though I do wonder sometimes, I do believe everything happens for a reason – and what this has all taught me will make me a better person.