Daily Step #17 – Thank God You Aren’t the Person You Used to Be

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“Thank God that you are not the person you used to be. Describe the new creation that you are now…”

First of all, let me let out a loud guffaw.

Next, I need to look at this as three different people: me before losing Jack, me for the last year, me now.

Me Before Losing Jack

Sure, I am sure I had a few faults and few annoying qualities. But overall, I was a pretty cool, good, very generous person.

I could be a tad impatient.  Especially when it comes to making plans.  See, if you can’t do something, you are holding my time up from scheduling something else.  Or, if you cancelled on me, you just wasted my entire day/evening because I may have missed out on scheduling something else with someone else.

I worked out a lot – running, yoga, random fitness classes, biking – very active and always up for something new and fun.

Overall, I was a very happy, very active, very successful person.  I did a lot, I integrated well with society.  I was usually in charge of organizing gatherings, and, if I do say so myself, I was a lot of fun. I didn’t have a lot of fear.

There really wasn’t too much wrong with that me.  There was a lot to live for.

Me for the Last Year

This me needed (still does) a lot of love, patience and understanding.  I needed (needs) hugs.  I needed (needs) you to listen to me and understand – not tell me to move on.  I needed (needs) you to understand how awful all of this has been for me, and to take what I have told you seriously.  [It still bewilders me that no one seemed too concerned with the stalker I had.  So, either, you think I am making that up – which is not the case – or you just didn’t care enough to get involved, to help me, to protect me.]

This me spends a lot of time alone.  A lot of time sleeping.  A lot of time worrying.  A lot of time crying.  A lot of time in pain.

A lot of time feeling, and realistically so, that no one is there for me or really gives a fuck.

This me had to realize that if I wanted to get better, I had to find the reason on my own – and I got to tell you, I really don’t have a reason to be better, other than the fact laying around all day was getting boring and I was getting too skinny.

This me sucks.  Mainly because of things that happened to me and the fact not a lot of people in my life cared or even noticed I was missing.  There isn’t a lot to live for in this life.

Me Now

I am getting better, but I am still the me from the last year.  I am nowhere near the old me.

SO I CAN’T THANK GOD FOR BEING NOT BEING THE PERSON THAT I USED TO BE, BECAUSE THAT PERSON WAS HAPPY AND HAD A LOT TO LIVE FOR.

This person now, wonders often why even bother.  I am that tree with no leaves standing alone in the picture above, cold and naked.  Bearing everything to everyone…  but apparently talking to myself.

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6 thoughts on “Daily Step #17 – Thank God You Aren’t the Person You Used to Be

  1. I am truly sorry for your loss, for the hole in your heart. It sounds like you are not only mourning the loss of Jack and all the potential having a baby could be, but also for the care-free fun-loving person you were before your miscarriage. I really believe that part of you still exists; it is just taking a break, recovering. I know you will find that piece of you again. I bet there are some positive qualities that are a part of your character now that weren’t there before, though. I bet you are even more compassionate, sensitive, wise. I hate that you are in pain, but I know you will be able to find purpose in it. I’m thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts and love!!

cheer me along!

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