“Describe the stage of life you are in. Thank God for being with you in the middle of this stage.”
I am in the middle of nowhere.
That’s exactly where I am.
Youth, real youth is behind me, but growing up – being really grown up – I am just not there yet.
I have so few commitments. So few people that depend on me and I depend on no one. And I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t want to go out every night of the week. Sure, every now and again would be fun – but I am just not in that single girl stage anymore. You know, where you want to go out and meet as many people as possible. (If you had asked me this 14 months ago, my answer would have been completely different!)
And though it would be nice to be part of a couple, I just haven’t had good luck in that area and I am tired of trying. I do not want to join every dating site on earth to meet someone. I have scoped those sites out before and you see the same people on them all the time. Sure, it has worked for many – but I just don’t see it working for me. A picture and a few lines of text don’t really do it for me. I need to feel a spark when I talk to someone. Furthermore, I will not post my real name and picture anywhere publicly (except for LinkedIn).
Beyond online, I have no opportunity to meet anyone. I work at home alone. I never go anywhere. I don’t belong to anything. I don’t do anything. It’s just a stage: a deep valley in life’s ups and downs. It wasn’t always this way, and it won’t always be this way.
Honestly, having a child is the most important thing to me. And soon. Like in the next year. That’s just not fair to anyone – to push that desire, that need on them. And to just be with someone because that is what they want, too, isn’t fair to either of us.
That has me in the middle of nowhere, too. I am just not sure how I want to do it. I had put a lot of thought into it, and then got stuck on a few issues, so I decided to just wait through foot surgery and recovery, get through my convention the first of the year, get through what would have been Jack’s first birthday, then decide.
I actually just talked to BJ yesterday. He called about a dilemma of his own, which I was honored to be consulted on, but I can’t answer his problem for him, because I don’t know what I would do. He asked me if I could move anywhere in the world and start over, where would I go? I honestly don’t know. Just packing everything to move sounds exhausting.
It is all so exhausting. The thinking, the rethinking, the not being anywhere near where I thought I would be at this age… And then realizing I never had a plan in the first place.
I guess this is what happens when you fail to make plans. When you live in a dreamland where you believe everything should happen serendipitously. Like BJ and I discussed, why bother being so good when nothing good ever seems to happen to you?
Why is life so hard? It shouldn’t be this difficult. It really shouldn’t.
God, I would love to thank you for being here with me, but I am not sure you are. Or maybe this is just to demonstrate to me how much I will appreciate what is coming my way.
But this nowhere stage, it just sucks.